“I’m Not Afraid of Nothing.”

Which was to say I was afraid of everything.
And I was most afraid to show fear.

I was born on the Southside of Chicago back in the day that it meant the baddest part of town. You had to be tough and that was challenged every day on the mean streets. Yet none of us were afraid of nothing. We learned quickly to challenge life right back in the face.

But the truth is I was afraid of everything. Life started out real scary and by the time I was walking the Southside streets by myself I had learned to deal with my fear by being really angry.

Anger is a determined survival tool. It is useful when you are in real danger. But it is a soul sucking black-hole when it becomes a habit. Most of the time anger is just misplaced fear, and if left to fester it develops into hatred.

Well my anger was killing me harshly with its punk song and to stop it I had to first realize that I was afraid. I had no objects of fear; no spiders, or the dark. The truth was my fear was so all-encompassing that it felt ethereal. It felt like I breathed fear and exhaled anger.

Because of this I developed a staunch courage; a saving grace. I had a good reason to be afraid when I was a kid. I had been terrorized by a mentally ill mother. But when it came to the rest of the world I wasn’t about to let anybody else treat me that way. I learned to take care of myself and took the time to know myself.

I only recently won the battle with my anger, realizing that I was just avoiding being sad in those situations. It was then that I realized what I was most afraid of was being sad. I was afraid that my sadness would devour my life, and any hope of a happy life. I am learning that by allowing myself to be sad was not only rational, it is the key to my finding true happiness.

By nature I am still very cautious, and observant, knowing that there are real dangers lurking around every corner. I still have the appropriate physical fears that keep me safe. I have a healthy amount of paranoia about the unknown which is an asset in the Big City. I am fearless when it comes to taking risks intellectually. I guess FDR was right. I really do have nothing to fear but fear itself.